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3

"A monster, in this day and age? I mean, don't you just find that, like, you know, irrelevant?"

..."We don't deserve Hal Hartley", I literally thought to myself while watching this. Maybe it was just because I was drunk, but this really clicked with me on a whole new level this viewing. I might even rate it above The Unbelievable Truth and Flirt now...

Expanding on the larger socio-political themes Hartley really started addressing in a more overt (some might say "unsubtle") way in Henry Fool, and loosely inspired by John Gardner's Grendel (which is a philosophical retelling of Beowolf from the monster's perspective), No Such Thing is widely regarded as the film where Hartley lost the plot, a film…

Review by Jesse Snoddon ★★★½ Liked

"I'm not the monster I used to be"

(There will likely be some spoilers below)

A Monster (Robert John Burke) lives alone in Iceland. He spends his days drinking, writhing in loneliness and tormenting the locals of a nearby remote village. One day Beatrice (Sarah Polley), the fiancee of a cameraman the monster killed, comes looking for answers. Things change for them both when she convinces the Monster to come with her to New York, where his already negative opinion of humanity is shown to be an underestimation of how terrible we are. 

No Such Thing is a hilariously cynical (yet strangely optimistic in the end) depiction of human nature. Helen Mirren as "The Boss" of a major media outlet…

14

You always know when you’re about to do something drastic. You board a plane or get off that plane. You change your mind or you make a decision. You look back at two blonde strangers who have no idea that your life is mid split. There’s a Before. Then an After. Something happened in the swamp that day. 

Why is it so hard to accept a miracle as a miracle that you yourself watched unfold? Write it off as coincidence, random chance, just one of those things. Why? Too big a leap? From where to where? 

—I was just lucky. 
—Or blessed.

It’s a weary business trying to prove. Hartley sets a weird fairytale in cold reality and makes the misguiding…

2

As a Hal Hartley film it’s kinda dogshit but as an episode of Angel: pretty pretty great.

Review by teamgal ★★★½

They got me to love a monster.

Review by Dr. Ethan Lyon ★★★½

3rd Hal Hartley (after The Unbelievable Truth and Surviving Desire)

36/53 of Podcast Macabre 2025- New York, New York

"The bear said, Isabel, glad to meet you,
How do, Isabel, now I'll eat you!
Isabel, Isabel, didn't worry.
Isabel didn't scream or scurry.
She washed her hands and she straightened her hair up,
Then Isabel quietly ate the bear up."


Adventures of Isabel, Ogden Nash


From Surviving Desire to surviving catastrophe. For all The Monster’s carping about the random accidents of fate that caused him to live aeons, No Such Thing is a tremendously life-affirming film. It’s a film about despair, without doubt, both in The Monster’s wish to die but also in Beatrice’s alternate history world. Like It’s All…

4

lol Hartley u crazy for this one !!!!

Review by Hunter ᴴᴰ ★★★★

A monster in this day and age don’t you find that like, irrelevant?

“No Such Thing”  is a bizarre fantasy/romantic-ish comedy following the beauty that is an innocent secretary at a news show sent to Iceland to investigate the beast, a depressed and alcoholic monster. Hal Hartley’s take on genre holds no punches in absurdity and originality that I believe some, like myself, will find endearing while others not so much. A promising beginning with interesting ideas on immortality and loneliness that becomes misdirected in a lackluster satire on media. Uniquely it’s own thing that I respect but wish wasn’t so silly rather than funny. Still a monstrous good time if you’re looking for an oddball.

2

Too bad I can't go live on an island somewhere in Finland where the villagers sacrifice whiskey to me.

And by sacrifice I mean, leave bottles on my doorstep whenever I get angry.

Review by 👽 Zara 👽 ★★★ Liked

i loved the theatricality of the whole film, it was so over the top and just downright silly at times that it kept me engaged, full of strange moments and hilarious dialogue, i don’t know what’s intentional and what is not

1

“I know of no God, unless, of course, I am God.”

In all my years of watching and enjoying movies, never did I think an alcoholic monster movie would fill me with ravenous love and ultimately lead me to tears. Although I’m unfamiliar with Hal Hartley’s work, I look forward to venturing into his filmography after this film. He composes a masterful, mystifying score that has the power to drown out all possible clichés. Shown in each glorious shot of middle-of-nowhere-Iceland, it’s also clear that Hartley has an impeccable eye for scenery and atmosphere. There’s an openness, a sort of freedom, that comes to mind when thinking of Reykjavik; it’s that exact tranquility that renders No Such Thing utterly satisfying.…

5

A quirky, unconventional mashing together of Beowulf and Beauty and the Beast, with biting satire of humanity thrown in. It’s a brilliant cast, starting with Robert John Burke as the foul-mouthed, immortal monster who has grown weary of living after hundreds of millions of years. Sarah Polley plays the woman who goes out to see him in pursuit of truth about her fiancé, and the way her mostly innocent character has dashes of the divine and the profane mixed in was offbeat and unexpected. Helen Mirren is hilarious as the news executive who takes great delight in monetizing other people’s misfortunes and other salacious content. Julie Christie is also here as the doctor who helps patch Polley’s character up after…