Lol, absolutely not.

Idina Menzel and Billy Porter innocent. Camila Cabello and James Corden need to be tried for crimes against humanity.

Look, Cinderella is my favorite Disney princess, and the story is one I hold near and dear to my heart for many reasons, so I was always gonna be apprehensive of any adaptation following Kenneth Branagh’s masterful reinvigoration of the classic tale in 2015. As others before me have pointed out, this does everything wrong that that film…

… Woof.

Eternals is a whooooole lotta movie… TOO much movie. Too many heroes, too much exposition, and too little time to do this cast and these characters justice (even at 3 hours!). The actors are largely innocent, but Chloé Zhao’s signature style is almost stamped out completely, and that’s the most damning and disappointing development of all. Aside from a few select shots, it's a visually unimaginative blur.

I am ittedly a Marvel fan for the most part, and I…

It’s all just so… empty?

Look, I love Jessica Chastain and Oscar Isaac as much as the rest of us. I think they’re two of the finest actors of their generation, and they will both likely go down as all-time greats. And they do ittedly turn in terrific work here. But the script lets them down at every turn.

There’s just nothing new here. If you’ve seen the original Scenes from a Marriage, this is an especially pale imitation, but…

David Chase should’ve stayed in TV, because it’s clear beyond any doubt that The Many Saints of Newark would be much better suited to a series or miniseries format, as two hours isn’t anywhere near enough time to tell this story. Each scene feels like it’s from a different movie, constantly raising new conflicts and concerns that are oftentimes never resolved and simply waved away with the next transition.

The cast tries their hardest - and Vera Farmiga is captivatingly…

The Falcon and the Winter Soldier has irable intentions - and it’s not without bits of brilliance here or there - but, ultimately, its conclusion is an unfulfilling end note to an immensely uneven series overall.

The ensemble is largely excellent - Mackie and Stan are in top form, Brühl is a devilish delight in his brief return, and Russell & Kellyman definitely do the best with what they’re given... but those latter two are also the source of the series’…

Honestly, it’s nowhere near as bad as I was expecting, but that doesn’t mean it’s all that good either.

A Journal for Jordan takes a stirring true story and adapts it for the big screen in the most maudlin manner possible, and, as such, its sugary sweet sentimentality can often feel at odds with the very dark drama being depicted. The production values are likewise pretty poor (it can’t counter those “Hallmark movie” critiques), and it’s obscenely overlong at nearly…

The Tender Bar is nothing you haven’t seen before, with little to set itself apart from countless similar coming-of-age stories. Still, the adult actors pull their weight and turn in winning work, from the lively Lily Rabe to the justly acclaimed and considerably charming Ben Affleck. Tye Sheridan is a fine but ultimately unconvincing lead (though the subpar second act gives him little to work with), but Rabe and especially Affleck always infuse the film with much-needed energy. In the…